Much of the internet has been up in arms at the 28-year-old NFL player Harrison Butker’s commencement speech that went viral recently, in which he addressed the female graduates of Benedictine College, Kansas. “Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world,” he said, “but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.” If that wasn’t enough to get them double-checking their contraception prescriptions, he went on: “I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother.” Yet, beyond the outrage, a vocal minority finally felt heard. To them these words made perfect sense.
“I actually agree with Harrison,” says Carina Bogner, 37 — a stay-at-home mum to Naya, 1 — who adds that she is “hoping and praying” to have more. “I don’t love that whole feminist push of the last few years for mothers to be separated from their children.”
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Bogner is not alone. She is a follower of the so-called “polarity” movement, where alpha men want submissive women who have chosen the kitchen, nursery and bedroom over the boardroom. The women, meanwhile, want a manly man who will protect and provide for her and take care of all the big decisions. There are even polarity influencers and coaches — male and female — who have created nearly 20,000 videos on TikTok entitled, for example, “Men who don’t know how to lead aren’t relationship material” (courtesy of the American influencer Chris Gallagher, whose videos telling women how to attract dominant men and the like have amassed 2.4 million likes). Or what about “Why no masculine man wants an alpha female”, which has been memed by so many irate women that its original creator, @zakroeddecoaching, has disappeared?
Even the American uber-alpha life coach Tony Robbins is at it, claiming that polarity is key to a lasting relationship. You see, polarised men, as “Team Tony” states on his website, “have a strong physical presence and are centred and unwavering. They are good decision-makers and love a challenge, and while they can seem unemotional, they want to be appreciated for their skills and contributions.” Meanwhile, it’s “all about emotion for the feminine partner — giving and receiving love, making connections and appreciating the beauty of life”. Pass the bucket.
Within the movement are various subtypes. There’s the SAHGF (the stay-at-home girlfriend), the homesteader (whose relentless production of homemade jams, cakes and breads keep her quiet in the kitchen) and the birthrighters — women who believe mothering is their one true path. Polarity is particularly popular among the fashionable new-new-age scene, and also with religious fundamentalists (it’s worth noting that Butker, a Catholic, has form on being outspoken on gender, abortion, IVF etc). And the millennials are all over this, with the “soft baes” (women who are apparently allergic to work ) and “tough bros” (who love a bit of macho jujitsu and woodchopping) getting all yin-yang about love.
Needless to say, lurking in the shadows of the movement is the ultimate polarity influencer, Andrew Tate, according to the TikTokker Jwaydan Moyine, who campaigns to persuade women against the subservience that is promoted in polarity. Not that Tate calls himself a polarity influencer but, Moyine says, he “promotes the narrative that women should be an asset to men and serve their empowerment”. And, adds Catrin Rees, a lawyer and polarity sceptic, “there’s a paper-thin divide between these polarity influencers and Jordan Peterson — it’s all part of the same drive to disempower women by making polarity sound like some incredible empowered choice”. But, she adds, “everyone misses out the bit that explains it’s only because of female empowerment that you get that choice. If there weren’t women in law and politics fighting for their rights, the clocks would go back.” Plus, she says, “it ignores the fact that it only works for women on men’s terms”.
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It goes without saying that polarity gives feminism quite the beating. In one TikTok video entitled “Feminism went wrong”, the polarity influencer Amira Bessette (790,000 followers) claims that feminism “glamorises hook-up culture, which only benefits men”, “doesn’t allow women to rest during their period” and that “financial 50/50 relationships aren’t fair on women. The least a man can do is pay.”
Polarity, then — surely a backward step for feminism? “I think it’s the opposite,” says Bogner, who quit her career as a yoga instructor when she got married. “The feminist movement was very important but it’s so tipped the other way. I believe that bringing back traditional values can bring healing into a family unit; it means the children grow up very secure and safe. And I believe that a lot of the mental health crisis in the world is because everyone is confused about what their role is supposed to be.” Does she think that being a happy stay-at-home mum makes for a more successful marriage? (Her husband, by the way, is a very manly-sounding bike mechanic.) “The traditional roles work for us — when I make the home we’re very harmonious.”
For Lorin Krenn, a Cheshire-based polarity coach with 228,000 Instagram followers and a striking resemblance to Tom Cruise, the idea of gendered polarity is actually just a device for great sex — for achieving, he says, “the deepest intimacy”. “A woman who identifies as very feminine values emotional safety,” he explains. “In order for a couple to experience intimacy, it’s important that man honours that emotional safety.” Although Krenn sees clients who want those trad male breadwinner/female caretaker roles, this “dogmatic approach is not actually going to help most people thrive — women might love business and men might want to look after their children. We’re not defined by what we do but how we do it.”
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The problem with polarity, Moyine adds, is that “women are being sold a fantasy where apparently you’ll find your ultimate fulfilment and become aligned with your true feminine self, where you’ll get to relax and do what you want and not have to shoulder any of the responsibilities”. But, she adds, “it’s problematic in many ways. The vast majority of men are not providers and protectors and will just expect women to cater to them. These women might think they’re finding fulfilment, but revolving their lives around their partner and children doesn’t give them the opportunity to establish their identity outside of that and live on their own terms. It’s what we’ve fought so hard to get beyond.” Someone please tell Mrs Butker.